Deborah Tayloe
North Carolina, July 20, 2017

As I got in my car after work on July 20, 2017, I heard of the death of Linkin Park front man, Chester Bennington. His death was reported as an apparent (unconfirmed at the time) suicide by hanging.

The radio station was starting an hour-long tribute to Bennington with uninterrupted Linkin Park music. The first song was Crawling.

I’ve always loved Linkin Park. I’m drawn in at the first guitar chord, every time. There’s something about the loud, organic instrumentation. But I always really loved best the raw, gritty voice of Chester Bennington.

As I listened to the song on the car radio on that hot summer day, the words struck me. Bennington was public and open about his past drug abuse and battle with depression. But was he ever really healed?

Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

All these years, was he crying out for help through his music? Was music his therapy as he tried to regain control?

There’s something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling
I can’t seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence I’m convinced
That there’s just too much pressure to take)
I’ve felt this way before
So insecure

Did nobody ever realize that the reason he sounded so pure was the reality? Depression is a real bitch. While Bennington battled his depression, he lived the rock star life. To the outside world, he had it all.

Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It’s haunting how I can’t seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence I’m convinced
That there’s just too much pressure to take)
I’ve felt this way before
So insecure

But what demon was Bennington fighting on the inside?

Perhaps we will never know. But as I listened to Crawling that day, these questions arose in my mind. I shed a few tears, wiped them away, and lost myself in the music. Chester Bennington is gone, but his legacy will live on through his music.